Pwn here.

Couldn’t really think of much to post about, but then I had a great idea. Why don’t we remember our history? A while back, 77Hockey, a Nacho legend, wrote a story. Now, it has cussing and is, erm, 13+ material…

So here it goes.

*Note* This is copy-pasted. Nothing is changed (except I censored a few stuff)

BOOK I: A New Dawn

By: 77Hockey

The boys were playing at recess when principal Zippy called them into his office. The boys were Jonathan and Matt. Principal Zippy told them the news. “Boys…… your parents are dead. The ACP killed them during the war that was going on up in mammoth. I am deeply sorry.” Jonathan screamed in pain saying “THOSE MUTHAF*CKERS ARE GONNA DIE” Matt stood there crying.

It is 10 years to this day that the boys parents were killed……….

This is where the story begins.

The boys were working hard and there work at the factory. Loading guns on the truck to ship to the mountian training facility. Then a helicarrier came and landed it was full of acp soldiers. The guns pointed at the boys while motor said “Boys hand over the guns or die” Matt said “F*ck no you assholes” The acp cocked their guns when the N-TEAM came and shot down acp soldiers. Motor got away with 20 acp men and flew away. The N-TEAM left before the boys go to thank them.

The boys knew they were nachos so they decided to sign up at the caribou nacho base. Nobody there was important except tan. Tan saw the boys and smirked. “Boys shouldn’t you be reading your playboys?” Matt said “S-s-sir we want to sign up to be in the nacho army.” Tan laughed and said “NO. we do not want young kidss like you in this army.” They went away miserable.

When they got home they recieved a phone call from tan. “Hello boys you have been assigned to berg where Joker is the leader.” Matt was amazed that he actually was in the nacho army. And he was with his brother too. Tan also said “Pack your bags your flight is tommorrow.” They packed there bags and got on the plane the next day and flew to Berg. The Adventure had just begun.

They landed in Berg and there was Joker welcoming the new recruits. “Jonathan and Matt?” They replied “Yes”. “Well looks like you 2 are my new troops. Do you know how to operate a gun?” “No” *FACEPALM* “looks like i’ll have to teach you.”

They got to the base and there were noobs trying to shoot streight. A noob shot qwerty in the foot. “YOU DIP IM GONNA KILL YOU…. i mean uhhh nice try.” Joker said to qwerty “Hello qwerty these are the new recruits.” Qwerty looked at the new recruits oddly. “They’re in your squad i dont want more people that will kill me”

The boys got shown to their room. They bunked with a leader dash and Pwn. Dash tried to r*pe them when they came into the room while pwn was……. yeah he was doing that. Pwn was also the cook. Nobody liked his food so they ordered Mcshaddehs every night. The boys trained for weeks when the first call came.

EMERGENCY ACP INVADING BERG!!!!!1111SHFT1SHIFT!!11!!SHIFT!!!! TROOPS OUT TO THE BATTLEFIELD NOW. The troops woke up. Pwn was naked and didn’t put clothes on and ran out the door. The troops got their sombreros and guns and marched to the battlefield.

ACP was led by motor and were trying to get to the Cattank storage room. the battle was bloody people died on both sides but motor ran into a nearby building and joker followed him. Motor and Joker were firing at each other until joker lost him. Motor dropped a grenade on joker but joker slashed it in half with his sword and it didn’t explode somehow. Joker and Motor battled with swords. Motor said “Those boys you have they are gonna die if its the last thing i do.” “THOSE ARE MY BOYS YOU CAN’T KILL THEM” joker proclaims and stabbed motor in the heart and he died.

Joker felt the building give way so he jumped from the building and stabs the side of another building with his store and held on for dear life. The building gave way and Joker was safe.

The nachos held offthe ACP and joker was fine but Oagalthorp had a message for the nachos “We will not quit til we have the boys”

THE END

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BOOK II: The Big City

By: 77Hockey

The boys were training, pwn was naked, dash was doing what dash does, qwerty was drunk. Simple daily routine at the Berg base. This day however was different. Joker got a call from ads saying “Joker i need you at fjord right away Billy is missing we need to find him.” Joker then ordered his troops. “Troops we will all be going to fjord. Dash will take you on a field trip of the town of fjord while me pwn and qwerty speak with ads.” A noob shouted out “BUT MAH MUTHER LEVES THAR SHE VILL HURT MEH BADLI IF SHE FINDS OUT I R USED DRUGS” Jonathan spoke out “Too f*cking bad”

The Recruits went to fjord and dash took them on a field trip of fjord they saw the condom factory shivers strip club the person hotel and the main nacho base. Joker pwn and qwerty went into ads room while he was r*ping some hot girls. Pwn said “ZOMG HAWT GIRLS GET OFF MAH ADS” he pushed the girls off and raped ads. Ads slapped pwn and threw him out the window.

Ads told joker and qwerty where he had last seen billy. “Billy was going into mcshaddehs to order a big shad then he left and i haven’t seen him since.” Qwerty pointed out “Maybe he went to a strip club for some action” Ads replied to qwerty “You are a f*ckin idiot you know that?”

The field trip was going fine until matt spotted a dead body. Matt looked at the body and saw that it was BILLY. Matt called dash over to the body. Dash saw that it was billy and that there was a note. The note read ‘This will happen to all of your troops if you dont give me the good stuff ~Him’ Dash reported this to ads and ads came to the

“Nacho Leader Dead” was on the front page of CPAC’s daily paper the next day. The whole army universe was shocked.

The recruits headed back to Berg on a plane. Jonathan was sitting next to a naked pwn. “Pwn where are you clothes?”
Pwn said in a drunk voice “Don’t got none” “O_O” When they landed they started training again. Qwerty had to get 57 stitches because of noobs shooting him.

“HOLY SH*T GUYS IW IS INVADING” yelled ads into the phone. Joker was on it. He called all the bases and told them to get to blizzard to defend from the IW. Nacho forces from far and wide came to defeat the IW.

The IW brought their full forces to defeat the nachos. The nachos were split into 5 divisions, Cooper’s group, Ads’ group, Jokers group, Tan’s group and Aka’s group. Jokers group was the air force. They dropped the cheese and salsa and F bombs so many times on IW while Iw dropped snow bombs. During this battle a misterious figure pulled qwerty aside.

Qwerty looked at the man. “I know you” The man pulled out a sword. “I am him” Qwerty recognized the voice. “You are-” and with one slice of the sword qwerty had a mortal wound. The man made off quickly before anybody saw.

Pie saw the dead body and rushed over. “NOOOO NOT QWERTY WHO HAS DONE THIS TO YOU.” “……*wheeze* *wheeze* *gasp* it……*gasp* was……*wheeze* him.” and qwerty died.

The battle ended with half of the nachos and iw dead. Iw surrendered knowing that if they lost more troops the nachos would easily invade their nation. The next day the nachos held a funeral for all who died and especially qwerty.

The boys knew they had to get revenge for qwerty but how?

END OF BOOK

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BOOK III: Air Strike

By: 77Hockey

The nachos had lost many troops during the battle with IW. Qwerty’s killer was still at large. Nobody cared about billy’s death even though he was a leader. (Why would anybody care he was in like 3 paragraphs and didn’t even talk. Plus he sucks anyways. wait i’m kind of breaking the 4th wall by saying the paragraph shit. NEVERMIND back to the story) Dash was being a pedophile watching everything the boys did. Pwn still had no clothes.

Ads called a meeting once upon a time to discuss the leadership. “What about Cobra?” Aka said. “No he’s too much of an idiot.” Ads replied. Dash shouted “MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEM PICK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” “NO” the leaders said in unison. “Hey I got and idea” Joker said “What about we have pie as the new leader =D” Ads replied “sure fine i don’t give a crap I’m missing my porn shows for this.” “So it’s offical?” “Yes me ads now delcare pie the new leader of the na-” Suddenly they heard planes outside and went to see what was happening.

Joker looked up and there were 70 acp jets attacking Fjord. “Holy sh*t guys how are we gonna stop those?” Ads said to Joker “We run like sh*t.” So the heads of the nacho army ran to blizzard with all the troops that were there. Pwn was still naked.

Over 75,000 people that day were killed. And acp now owned fjord. “SH*T!” Ads yelled at many people. “Calm the shit down or ill get pwn to r*pe you.” Pie said. The Boys then came in. “We should go to war with those f*ckers and get our city back.” Jonathan said with a strong voice. “We ARE strong enough. We still have weapons. We still are nachos. We can defeat them.” Matt said calmly. “The boys are right ads we are the nachos we are strong enough to take em.” Pie said. Ads replied “Fine as long as i don’t miss family guy for this.”

And it was set the nachos were going to try to take back fjord. They made plans they trained the noobies and they were set to head off to fjord.

Meanwhile…

“Sir the invasion is going as planned. We will kill the boys.” Fort said to a mysterious man on the screen. “KILL? you imbeciles i want them alive.”
I-I-I-I-I’m sorry master we will not fail you.” and fort shut the computer off.

“The nachos were marching 1 by 1 HURRAH HURRAH the nachos were marching 1 by 1 HURRAH HURRAH!” “SHUT UP PWN. NOBODY CARES FOR YOUR HORRIBLE SINGING.” and the nachos marched onto fjord.

When they got to fjord it was ravaged. Building are tore down. Acp banners are everywhere. Pepto Bismol factorys are massproducing pepto bismol even though only oagalthorp likes it. “Damn acp doesn’t know how to run a town very well.” pie said. “Troops Ads and cobra’s group take the east side. Pie’s and Joker’s groups take the west side.” Ads shouted to the troops.

Ads and cobra’s groups were taking their side of fjord when suddenly out of the dark Fort and 300 acp soldiers appeared. “I see you are trying to get your city back but its mine now.” Cobra chased down fort into a almost torn down building and the troops stayed and fought.

On the other side of town the boys got grabbed into an old building by Mchappy. “You boys are gonna die.” He pushed jonathan away and started fighting matt. “You are strong in the force matt.” “THIS ISN’T STAR WARS YOU NERD.” Matt got pushed to the ground and mchappy got out his knife. “I don’t care about my orders you will die.” Before he could kill matt jonathan shot mchappy in the head with a gun. “You don’t kill my brother b*tch.”

Cobra chsed down Fort into a small room and got his pistol out. “Ok cobra we will give you back fjord if you don’t kill my ass.” Cobra then shot fort and left. Pwn came in after and took fort’s body for some…… yes that.

Matre annouced on the speaker “Fine you guys win we’ll give you fjord back.” The nachos celebrated that night over their win at fjord.

Jonathan was watching CPA news that night. He thought to himself “Who is giving orders to the acp?”

END OF BOOK III

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BOOK IV: The Invasion

By 77hockey

The nachos were cleaning up fjord after the invasion and pwn was doing “things” to fort’s dead body. (Please don’t ask) While cleaning up Dash stumbled upon a command room that the acp installed during their reign on fjord. He turned on a computer there and a fat guy was jacking off “HAI TOMMEH DIS PR0N R GUUD. ZOMG WHU R JOO AHHHHHHH *turns off computer*” Dash thought it was sexy.

The acp we’re planning an invasion of the nachos of the time and called upon IW to help. “Icey wuld joo puhleez halp meh?” Matre said. “WTF matre you’re not 5 you’re 46 years old looking for 11 year old girls.” “Oh yeah you’re right i always had a thing for 11 year old girls. So icey what do you say to my plan to destroy the nachos?” “No hell no they destroyed me before why should i attack now?” “I’ll give you cookies?” “DEAL” Icey then proceeded to eat his cookies.

Jonathan and matt became high ranked pplz in the nachos. “So ads whats on the agenda (Word i only use here) today for the meeting?” Matt asked. “Well i’ve been hearing that the acp and iw are planning an attack so i have brought pringle from RFW to halp us” Pwn then ran in and danced on the table naked. “Pwn i swear to god if you don’t leave i’m throwing you out the window and calling the whole army on you and you will die a painful death.” Jonathan angerly said to pwn. Pwn left.

Matt went to the grave of Qwerty that night. Matt told qwerty all that had happened when suddenly he heard qwertys voice. “M-m-m-matt i am here i am the great all powerful THEQWERTY1UIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM.” “Why the hell would anybody be named that?” “I don’t really care about my name but know this. The Qwerty is always with you.” “It’s kinda creepy having a person how is dead with you. He could like ghost r*pe you.” “Well yeah you should be happy im not dash.” “Who killed you anyways?” “Uh oh go to go” “YOU SONOFAB*TCHWHYWON’T YOUTELLMEANDICAN’TFINDTHESPACBAR.”

Matt came back from the graveyard to the berg base and found joker there and decided to talk to him. “I heard Qwerty tonight joker.” Joker said “No matt, Thats called being high. What were you smoking and were can i get some?” “Wtf you know i don’t do drugs.” “Fine. So what did Qwerty say?” “What qwerty usually says.” “Oh i see”

That acp were planning with IW to attack the Nachos. “Bawss the plans are ready.” Matre told the man on the screen. “Good so the nachos and the boys will be mine after this amirite?” “Yes mr.bawss they will.” He turned off the computer while BAWSS was petting tuck his pet cat.

“ZOMG I CANNOT FINISH MAH ZELDA GAME *rages hard*” as pwn was playing Zelda twilight princess. “PWN turn off the game and come to the meeting.”Can i ‘cum’ to the meeting?” “NO B*TCH JUST GO NOW.”

Pwn got to the meeting. “Ok men lets start this meeting.” Joker said. “The iw will be invading this base and the acp will be involving white house. Our battle plan will be to trap iw in a battle and then drop a DOOM bomb on them so they all die. Except for icey since he’s invincible but he will probably go to subway when he sees this.” Jonathan stood up. “Sir what about the RFW?” “The RFW will be invading acp so white house will be easier to defend.” “So this meeting is adjourned?” “Yeah sure. PIZZA TIMEZ WOO”

The day of the battle

“Ok men this is the day of the battle. We win we will be glorified for centuries. We lose and fade into obvilion.” Then a hooded man walked into the room. “Oh hello young man would you like to join the nachos.” “Young? You mutha f*cker. I was and established nacho when you were a noob dammit.” “Are you…..” “How are you even alive after the jonny cronicles anyways?” “Well i wasn’t dead and i turned good :/. Wait does that mean you’re….” The hooded figure took off his hood and revealed himself to be.. “Holy Crap its hockey.” “Yes and i would like to lead this battle against IW.” “sure i would love a legend leading.”

Oh come on you knew i would include myself in the story at sometime and glorify myself.

“Holy Crap ads we have 77 hockey over here!” “Well Joker we have Quince leading us over here.” “Hmm i wonder why they decided to come back? Oh it dosen’t matter we’ll win.”

The nachos got into defending positions for the battles. The IW marched in onto the nachos and the battle begun. Bodies went flying. Blood was everywhere. Pwn r*ped an IW to death.

In the middle of this battle Hockey got pulled away by him. “Hey you SOB let me back into the battle.” hockey said as he pulled his sword out. “Ah Hockey you could have been one of my studentsif you acceptedmy offer and we could’ve ruled the cp army world together.” “Well fuck you” and the 2 engaged in a battle of the swords. “Hockey just join me and this will be over.” “No b*tch” and he sliced him but there was no body anymore only the robe he was wearing. “Hockey i will see you when you try to attack my fortress. You cannot kill me you should know of all people.”

When he returned to the battle Iw was almost wiped out. “Drop a cheese bomb to end these bitches lifes.” The cheese bomb was dropped every IW died except Icey who went to subway. “WOO WE WON GUYS.” Is what joker said after the bomb was dropped.

Back at the base Hockey Told everybody what happened. “So the person that wants you boys is..” “Come on you can say it.” “Shadow.”

END OF BOOK 4

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BOOK V: Here It Is

By 77hockey

“Ok” Matt said “How do you know shadow and all the sh*t that has happened?” “Well it started about 2 years ago. Me and Quince were drinking our vodka on retirement island when shadow called us. He said “You 2 i have a important thing to ask you come to my house at 4 sharp and we will discuss it there.” So me and quince went. Shadow told us how we could rule the world together and we were like “ZOMG WORLD DOMINATION WIN” and joined him.”

“About 1 1/2 years into our training (or 6 months ago for you dumbf*cks that can’t do math) Quince and I got pissed at shadow because he told us nothing about his world domination plan, so we decided to attack him. He saw us coming and warped us to different places. I was warped to the northern corner of the Uma empire and Quince told me that he was warped to the middle of an island of the GT empire. Shadow has epic powers now. He will be hard to defeat.” “Well, Hockey it seems like you haven’t told us why he wants the boys.” Is what dash said. “Oh yes the boys you have a mysterious power stored inside you that he wants. He was the one who killed your parents.” The room was shocked at the story that hockey had told.

The life went on and one day pwn got a package in the mail. “Zomg i haz package. Looks like good firewood.” so pwn started a camp fire. “PWN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THOSE CLOTHES.” is what Joker said when he saw the fire. “Clothes? Oops still haz nun.”

Person1233 got back from vacation and heard what had happened and called a meeting with the leaders. “So….. Shadow is a evil villian set upon world domination. He hasn’t changed much.” is what person said. “Now how will we be rid of him?” “Well we could attack his fortress?” “Yeah sure lets do that” And they decided to attack the fortress.

“Hey Hockey.” Is what ads said. “Where is shadows fortress of DOOM?” “Up your moms ass.” “(d)” “Ok fine its at the top of Mt.Shabooby in acp territory.” “You’re saying that we have to march through acp territory to pwn shadow?” “Yes. How did you find that out i thought your IQ was -89?” Ads left crying because hockey insulted him so incredibly badly.

The nachos geared up and marched onto acp land. Pwn was still naked. They got into acp territory and saw shadows tower in the distance. “Men that is what we are aiming for. When we get there we will be freed from his evil shit.” And they carried on.

They were 70 miles from the tower when they were jumped by an acp squad. “Hello Nachos we meet again.” as matre said when he appeared. “Looks like we got you now. Master shadow will be pleased.” “MATRE” quince shouted “LET’S GO OFF AND WE’LL FIGHT 1 ON 1.” “Fine bitch lets go.”

“So matre what did shadow bribe you with?” “He bribed me with a quarter of the world when he takes over.” “Well seems like you won’t get that lanf when i kill you.” Matre tackled quince to the ground and stabbed him in the neck and almost killed him. “What now bitch?”

Hockey saw what had happened and took out his bow and fired a poison tipped arrow and hit him in the stomach. He ran over and took the arrow out and put it through matres heart. Matre was dead.

“QUINCE WHY????” “Hockey iwant you to know that, that one time i said i forgot my wallet i actually didn’t even though it was my night to pay for dinner.” Quince died. “You my friend were a great warrior.” and he picked up his body and walked back to the battlefield.

“PWN WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE B*NER?” Joker asked pwn. “Well you see i see that hot acp soldier over there and i want to go f*ck her hard.” “I give you permission” Pwn ran like hell and f*cked the soldier. Pwn was not seen for the rest of the battle.

The acp were killed off with the nachos only having 30 soldiers left. After the battle a funeral was held for quince and the other dead people. The nachos marched on till they got to the tower.

“Here it is.”

END
OF
BOOK

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BOOK VI: The Final Battle

By 77hockey

“Ok Men here we are. This is where our lives will all change.” Joker told the army. “You may die here. You may become legends of this army. You may have to go to the bathroom and never be seen again. Who knows what will happen? Nobody so we should go into this tower and fight!” And the nachos entered the tower

As they entered the tower a voice from the heavens announced, “Welcome to shadow tower losers. I am up on the 100th floor but you sadly cannot and will not get there. You can shop at the many shops that I have here.” “What the f*ck a shopping mall?” ads asked hockey “Well, yeah maybe I should have told you that before we came here. Well uh lets move on.”

“HEY GUYS ZOMG GAMESTOP IS HAVING A 50% OFF SALE ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG” Cobra said and he went to buy stuff. Cobra came out with 17 bags full of stuff and loaded it into the plane and came back to the group. “What did you even buy?” Joker asked. “Everything….. In….. The….. STORE!”

So the men moved on when suddenly a bunch of shadow troops (u c what I did thar?) appeared and attacked the nachos. “Move on others I will a couple of troops will hold them off” aka said and the rest of the nachos went into the elevator and moved to the 22nd floor

On the 22nd floor they found a place called r*pists anonymous and pwn was in there. “Hi pwn what are you doing here?” Joker asked “Well I have a story for you all. It shall be called pwn’s stories.” “STFU and tell us the story already” “Ok well it started while I was r*ping that acp chick. She then gave me a bj and yada yada yada the next day I woke up with a R*PE IN A CAN!!!!!!!!!! and a note that said “F*ck you b*tch the cops are coming to bring you to r*pists anonymous and uh yeah.” “So you wanna come with us?” Jonathan asked. “FUCK YEAH” and pwn came along for the journey.

The nachos moved on and a bunch of acp noobs came along and Cobra’s group decided to fight them. So the people left moving onto shadow were Joker, Ads, Pwn, Hockey, Matt and Jonathan.

The 6 got to the elevator to take them to the 100th floor. “Ok now we are entering shadows lair. Prepare for epic elevator music.” They rode the elevator to the 100th floor. The music was indeed epic.

They got up to shadows evil lair. “Well Hockey I see you have betrayed me.” Shadow said eerily “Actually I betrayed you like months ago so f*ck you.” Hockey said. Shadow drew his sword. “F*ck guns lets have a battle where you need skill to kill.” Shadow Leapt toward the group but they got out of the way. “You guys disable the towers defense system and get out immediately call the air force and tell them to fire at the tower me and pwn will fight shadow off.” Hockey said. “B-b-b-b-but I don’t wanna die.” “don’t worry pwn we’ll be safe.”

Jonathan started disabling the system when shadow grabbed a hold of matt. “Disable that system and he will die.” “Jonathan, disable the system now my life is not important.” Matt said. Jonathan disabled the system and matt died. Shadow smiled manically at Jonathan but then pwn came from behind shadow and stabbed him in the back of the head, killing him. “What now b*tch the naked wonder kill joo”

The group ran off and picked up the survivors of the battles to hold off other armies and they escaped. The Nacho air force shot down shadows tower. All was good.

The next night there was a funeral for matt and all the fallen nacho soldiers. Qwerty’s ghost was there giving Jonathan a thumbs up when matt’s ghost walked up beside him.

All was good in the nacho empire. For now.

END

 

Sexy right?

–Pwn

TEH NAKED WONDER

Filed under: The Nacho Army |