Nacho Army of Club Penguin

Note: My views do not reflect the Nacho Army as a whole [I think]

Warning: There is also “mild” language, and slight casual racism, don’t worry, I’m not a racist, and I’m not necessarily being intentionally racist. Please don’t take offence to the post, and if you’re easily offended, just don’t read it, thanks. [Edit 2: It’s barely offensive, I intended on adding an extra rant, before figuring that the subject of that rant would be tooo offensive for some people, lol.] 

Secondary note: If I mention any traditions that are British, that are not copied in our oversees neighbours, then I really don’t care, please don’t point it out. 

It’s that time of year again, when unless you live on Mars, or the Middle East, everything is f****** decorated in f****** red and white crap [Is that word used in America?] Yes, it’s Christmas, Merry, F******, Christmas. The worst time of the year.  Bah humbug to you. I am a Scrooge. I dislike Christmas. Yes, that’s right. I DISLIKE CHRISTMAS. It’s sh**.

The sh***** part of Christmas is by far the fact that this year, for a Boxing Day Party, I have to wear a Christmas jumper, A CHRISTMAS JUMPER. WHY? Oh god. It looks like it’s been knitted by some old women at a blind and deaf charity night. [In reality, it was made by a machine being operated by a kid in Bangladesh.] The worst part of the jumper? It doesn’t say bah humbug and/or have a picture of a donkey upon it. I desperately wanted a picture of a donkey on that jumper.

Now, I don’t know about America, but here in the United Kingdon, it is practically mandatory for TV stations to play the same Christmas films every year. Without fail. Now, I used to like Elf, granted, it’s no work of comedic genius, but it was humorous. However, after being subjected to that film, once a year, for the past 10 years, I’d sooner find it in Room 101. Currently, my opinion of Will Ferrell in an elf costume, is to grab the nearest sharp object, and attempt to stab him through the screen. The same could be said for Christmas songs, a genuine fact, that I have just made up, is that All I Want For Christmas, by Mariah Carey, is the leading cause of suicide in the Festive Season.

THE SNOW. THE BLOODY SNOW. I used to love the snow. It was fun to throw snowballs. But now, I am a grumpy, cynical, 16 year old. If you throw a snowball at me, I will hit you, cu**. There is nothing more miserable than walking home from school in the snow, or having to walk in the snow in general. I have no desire to lost a finger to frostbite, and yet, having to f****** mess around trying to put gloves on, is ridiculously annoying. By the time you get the gloves, hat, scarf, coat, extra pants, tshirt, jumper, three pairs of socks, hot water bottle, radiator, and gas heater upon yourself, you realise that you’re too warm, and need to take it all off again, it’s extra, unnecessary work, that is there to put you in a bad mood.

[Serious part] The f****** gluttony that occurs around Christmas is disgusting, asides from the atrocious waste of food that occurs on the day itself, you eat f****** [WHY DO I HAVE TO CENSOR THIS?] chocolate every day of December beforehand. The people that first took the seeds for YOUR chocolate from the cocoa tree, are slaves. YOUR CELEBRATING “PEACE TO MANKIND” BY SUPPORTING CHILD SLAVERY. “But Chrisi, I only buy Fairtrade products” In 2010, 33 out of 52 Fairtrade plantations were suspended in Ghana, for their child slavery practices, it is presumable that there is an even greater number when counting all plantations. While you, indulge yourself upon that small ounce of chocolate, remember that it was paid for in blood.

So have fun celebrating the birth of your Christ [well, for Christians anyway], but I won’t be joining you. F*** mangers, f*** the notion of presents, f*** family Christmas get-togethers. I’m going to go look forward to the only good thing about Christmas…. the Boxing Day football [not handegg]. Howay the Toon.

-Chrisi Blule

Filed under: The Nacho Army |