Nacho Army of Club Penguin

It’s almost 3am, I don’t understand this post.

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The island of Club Penguin is know to be a desolate, cold, place. After all, its only visitors are the pirate, Rockhopper, and that Polar Bear who was in a homosexual-cross-species relationship with a crab. (I completely supported their cause, in bringing destruction to Club Penguin, they clearly wished to rejuvenate the island, I found it distressing that the island’s KGB equivalent, the PSA or NSA or FBI, whatever they are called, sought to inhibit the island’s progress) And in their good will, the moderators have decided to provide a joyous sweater jumper coat jacket t shirt body garment, the autumn-looking-orange attire features two penguins with their arms around each other, to show their love and affection for one another, and in turn, it is a metaphor, for the friendship that all penguins show one another.

DO

YOU

THINK

THIS

IS

A

MOTHER*******

GAME?

The moderators are mad if they believe I view any of the none army plebs to be my comrades. No. They are evil, tormenting, jerks. Just today, some penguin constantly bullied me by showing the matador cape to receive the sombrero, and then making it disappear before I reached him, every time. I wanted to shoot him, if I am honest. Do they seriously think that I treat anyone who beats me in sledge racing with respect? No.  I rage, and vow to destroy them, and all that they hold dear. This is no game, Club Penguin is a matter of life and death, one show of weakness and they will engulf and annihilate you before you even realise your mistake.

Can I draw your attention to the awful, cliched, congratulations message. “You know your stuff about online safety”. No Disney. That quiz was not about online safety, it was common sense. Anybody who is stupid enough to give a password to a friend, or use their school’s name as their user deserves to be banned from the internet, and yet Club Penguin believes that knowing the dangers of doing these things makes you some kind of Einstein level genius. It really doesn’t. The only thing that it may congratulate you on is that you know more about the internet than Albert Einstein, who, in case you did not know, died before it was invented. Great achievement.

“Albert Einstein was very swaggy”-History Teacher

“How to be cool”, as you can see, the Disney teams are really hip, and down with the kids, I simply can not wait for the #YOLO and SWAG tops to appear in the next edition of the Club Penguin Clothes Catalog: Not that I will need them, I will have already demonstrated how cool I am through my skills of not having an IQ below 30. In complete seriousness, Disney can sometimes be the most “cringeworthy” corporations in existence, hopefully, they’ll realise that those phrases look utter ridiculous.

And that concludes tonights 3o’clock ramble on about nothing.

I thank all of you for coming, it has certainly been a pleasure, I wish you all the best, and remember, wear a godamn sweater while walking around in this virtual reality, you don’t want your penguin to freeze to death, do you? Well too bad, because come the winter, unless you huddle around other players, you’re being turned into frozen chicken.

~Chrisi Blule

Filed under: The Nacho Army |