Nacho Army of Club Penguin

“You should have acted. It is are already here. Club Penguin has fabled their return. Parties are merely made to delay, Before when CP Next will be opened, when the sons of the armies would spill their own blood. But no one wanted to believe, believe that it even existed. And when the truth finally dawned, it dawned in fire. But… there is one they fear in their tongue, he is Nachakiin, Nachoborn”

That title has nothing to do with the story. But this is a story as old as time. It is about a hero who, by himself, took on thousands of foes. He is a hero the Nacho Empire, and he is immortalized though bed time stories and TV movies. But this is the true story of the Nachoborn.

But before we cover the Nachoborn, we most talk about the Hero of Salsa, who repelled countless ACP, UMA and Gold legions. He sacrificed himself for the Nacho Empire at the battle of Guacamole Hill to save 50,000 Nacho Troops. His body was never found, but swaths of ACP Troops were destroyed.

And now we are on the Nachakiin, or Nachoborn in Old Nacho. He was born to a poor family in White House; living in poverty his entire childhood. His mother died in child birth, and his father fighting the numerous wars at the time. When he was alone, he took to begging on the streets. When he was old enough, he waltzed into a recruiting station and was immediately drafted into the army, even though he couldn’t even read, write and hadn’t bathed in at least 3 months. Lets just say it didn’t turn out well.

He suffered a life threatening injury when he was patrolling the outskirts of Mammoth and was hit by a band of rogues who called themselves ‘The Doughnuts of CP.’ The Nacho Government sent Death Squads to deal with them. Nachoborn’s life was so tough, no one actually knew his name, not even Nachoborn, so he just called him self ‘Me’ people thought he was an idiot who didn’t know how to use proper grammar, so he was shunned by the population.

Nachoborn was a homeless, illiterate veteran who was reduced back to begging on the streets. One night, a generous penguin gave him a few coins. The first thing he did was go to the local tavern, the ‘Floppy Flipper’

Nachoborn ended up bashing in the lute players head due to heavy intoxication. Nachoborn was exiled from Whitehouse, but not before he stole the lute player’s coin purse. It contained a total of two dollars, ten pennies, a ball of lint and a warn photo of the lute players family. Nachoborn burned the photo for warmth.

Nachoborn then wandered to a Roman city, but the guards wouldn’t let him in, so he sneaked through sewers. With his newly acquired currency, he bought himself basic gear so he could start adventuring. Sword, bow, armor, and  the lot. Nachoborn spent so much money on supplies, that he didn’t have any money for food. Due to his situation, he turned to making drugs. He joined the local gang “The Westside Patricians” He made a very popular drug in the Roman Empire called ‘Pyt’ which was a grass that caused hallucinations. Nachoborn was then caught by the Roman Police, and deported back to the Nachos. He wandered from town to town, village to village begging people, getting in fights and usually getting robbed and losing said fights. But one day, he killed a single puffle for food, and the entire town went crazy. They forced him to kill the dangerous beast that kept killing farmers. Nachoborn had to do it, or else he would be castrated. He had a basic, worn sword, and wandered to the beasts lair.

It was a tough battle, but Nachoborn won. He went back to the town, the villagers were amazed. They showered him in goods including money, gold, food and virgins. Nachoborn then wandered the lands, slaying the beasts that terrorized the villages. His name was praised throughout the land. Finally, he donned the title ‘Nachakiin’ which in Old Nacho means ‘Nachoborn’ or ‘One with the chips’ He had pure salsa running through his veins, causing him so very bad itching, but was cool none the less.

Nachoborn was living on a high horse, until one day…

Nachoborn was sent to kill a wolf that was eating everyone’s puffles, and people really prize those balls of fluff. He though it was an easy job, but he got his butt kicked because he was rather drunk that night.

Nachoborn had lost a battle, but not only lost one, he was decimated. His unconscious body was found in a creek, naked. But Nachoborn’s greatest achievement was yet to come.

Nachoborn, disgraced, rejoined the Nacho Military. He was enlisted as a Spec Ops. Troop, sent to destroy Nacho Political enemies and do various things involving espionage. Nachoborn’s first and only target was an ACP Commander called Klargle. At the time, ACP was locked in a brutal war with the Romans, but Nacho Aggression was also present, as the Nachos wanted to take this chance to destroy ACP. The ACP Commander was a local inn for the night in a small village located in the mountains of Abominable. Nachoborn snuck into a box in Klargle’s quarters, and assassinated him. Kind of. Nachoborn was hammered as usual, and used a balloon sword, missed his first 3 strikes, got slapped in the face and went into a tussle with Klargle. Nachoborn ended up biting off Klargles tongue, causing him to die of an infection a few weeks later.

Nachoborn was celebrated as a national hero. his name was chanted in the cities, he was making millions of Nacho Chips. Men envied him. Woman swooned at the though of Nachoborn. He as plastered everywhere in propaganda, movies, television, comic books, underwear, shower curtains, dinner plates and even entire classes in schools were about the stories of Nachoborn, most of them fabled and made up to improve his image.

The standard 100,000 Nacho Chip. Which Nachoborn made a lot of.

Nachoborn still adventured, dueled with travelers who really didn’t want to fight, raided bandits and slaughtered entire villages in drunken stupors. All were romanticized and the Nacho People loved him. But one night in a bar, Nachoborn met a woman who’s name he didn’t know. A new Nacho recruit, and he though “Oh my, what a chassy”(Keep in mind this was older times) He, being the Nachoborn easily got to wine and dine her. When he woke up the next morning, sober, but in a killer hangover, he looked at his flipper, an engagement ring.

Soon the media was all over the Nachoborn starting to slowdown and start a family. One week after Nachoborn met this woman, they married. Nachoborn couldn’t adventure anymore, his wife was pregnant, and she stopped him from venturing out. He still didn’t even know his wife’s name. Nachoborn contemplated suicide for a long time, and started sneaking out at night after dinner to go hunting. Nachoborn usually drank before he went hunting he said “It steadies me sword arm! Me aim be even better!” But, as Nachoborn usually did, he dropped the ball and went out in the middle of watching the ‘Chatroom'(A hit romantic comedy about two old people) with his wife, who’s name he still didn’t know. He walked out with a cheap, broken bow. He climbed a Mammoth’s tusk, which were an endangered species, this mammoth being one of the few left. He climbed it’s tusk and aimed a bow at it.

The mammoth got fed up with Nachoborn’s B.S and impaled Nachoborn on it’s tusk, as his wife watched. The Nacho Government got news that the Nachoborn was dead, and rushed to the scene and dropped multiple hydrogen bombs on the mammoth, ruining hundreds of acres of farm land. It was a sad day in the Nachos.

You know what? Looking back at the Nachoborn, he was a foot note in Nacho History. All he did was hunt animals and bite an ACP Commander’s tongue. I don’t know why people cared about him so much.

Filed under: The Nacho Army |