Nacho Army of Club Penguin

Feeling bored? Want to read some satire? Check out this short story. Enjoy! 😉

Fat Ass Dash

By: Dashing Snow

———————————————————————————————————————————

It was a slow, slow day on Club Penguin. I was sitting in my non-member igloo, wishing I was one of the cool kids with a membership. That afternoon I gobbled down fifty chicken drumsticks, a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream, and a giant bowl of chips and salsa. Realizing how pathethic I was, I decided to start taking control of my life. I no longer wanted to be known as, “dat fat kid that sat around in his igloo all day”. Then I remembered it was Club Penguin army orientation day. I could go join a Club Penguin army!

So I waddled to the town and saw that all of the other penguins were covering their ears.
“What’s going on?” I asked. The penguins looked at me then pointed to the “Join the Ice Warriors” booth.
There were penguins at the booth were singing “Let it Go” from Frozen off-key very loudly.
The penguins covering their ears walked away from the town in disgust and the singing Ice Warrior penguins shouted, “Wait! We haven’t even sang Ice Ice Baby yet!”
I quickly walked to the Forts quickly before I became deaf.

At the Forts, I saw the “Join the Dark Warriors” booth. There was some sleazy white kid named Xxtoysoldier running it.
A girl named Jodie that was standing in front of the booth asked, “Can I multi-log here?”
“Please do.” Xxtoysoldier replied.
Then Jodie asked, “Wait…if you’re in the dark warriors, why are you white…?”
Some skinny kid named Bep interrupted and said,
“Omg Jodie you can’t just ask people why they’re white. Anyways, the Dark Warriors suck” Bepboy says, walking away from the booth.
He turns back to her and says, “I think I’m going to join the oreos. They’re so fetch”.
The Ice Warriors and the Dark Warriors didn’t sound appealing to me. I was worried that I was starting to run out of options, but I continued walking.

At the plaza, I saw a bright orange booth that said, “Join the Nacho Army!”
The guy running the booth with the nametag, Puckley, looked very strong and muscular. He was wearing a sexy yellow sombrero, a poncho, cowboy boots, and had maracas in his hands. He asked me what my name was.
I replied, “Fat Ass Dash”
His eyebows went up. “Why do you call yourself Fat Ass Dash?”
“So twig bitches like you don’t do it behind my back.”
Then he asked me,
“What is your time zone?”
My mouth dropped and I shouted out, “My…time zone? YOU MEAN HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT TO LIVE? OH MAN..”
“-no-no-no. What time is it where you live?”
“Oh.” I stared at my down at my pink crocs to hide the 50 shades of red in my face. “6:00 pm.”
“Thanks. That’s all I needed to know.” Then Puckley tosses me a lemon.
“Da fuck? I thought this was nachos.”
“Oh it is. I just like to give my troops lemons.”
I stared at him weird then walked away, thinking that I actually joined the lemon army.

Examing all of the armies I saw that day, there was only one army that stood out to me. The Nachos. I called Puckley later that night and ended up being accepted into the Nacho Army with the best rank ever, private!

The next day I met up with my fellow army buddies and practiced formations and tactics with them. I even met some other fat friends that did vertical running with me. We all had a great time and enjoyed learning new skills from our friendly leader, Puckley. Here are some of the things he tought us:

He tought us that milkshakes always bring girls to the yard.
He tought us that you can have the best of both worlds. Wait. No. That was Hannah Montana.
He tought us the power of lemons.
But most importantly, he is a leader that tought us to be strong and persevere during the hard times.

Epilogue:

     Five years later, I am back at the “Join the Nachos” booth. Except this time? I’m running it. I am following the footsteps of the friendliest, coolest guy around-Puckley. I grab a sharpie and write on my nametag: Brass Ass Dash. I am no longer the fat ass that sits around in an igloo all day eating. I am now a bold, strong, courageous leader with a brass ass full of pride. I am a soldier that developed a strong character from a wise old soul named Puckley. He is my legend.

A shy penguin came up to the “Join the Nachos” booth and I asked him what his name was.
He rambles, “who? me…uh, um, well, you see, I, uh…my name is Coolpenguin5.”
I smiled and handed him a cookie. Cookies are a Brass Ass Dash thing.
He questioned the cookie and said, “I thought this was the nacho army.”
“It is.” I replied and put a sombrero on the boy’s head.

“Welcome to the nachos.”

Filed under: The Nacho Army |